I remember the first time I met Kelsey, Bernie's other half (the good, smart, clean, busty half). It was a bit awkward.



Bernie and Kelsey, it has been a year. A year since your twin flames united to become the butt of all out ginger jokes for 12 months. You two have been called many names, Ginger Ninjas, Fanta Pants, Fire Crotch, Clockwork Oranges, Twin Flames - but you have proven to us that even two hyper-physically characteristic people like you, can have a woving relationship for a year. Congrats dudes.

X-rays are dangerous, don't touch them!

Randomly drew this up while I was studying for Physics 107, now all I can think about is x-ray emitting galaxies! Damn you physics!

The great month of November quickly approaches, carrying in its arsenal of goodies a plethora of events and holidays to better prepare us for that mother of all holidays: X-mas.

On November Eve (October 31st), Christian children, Pagan children, and Satanist children put aside their differences to engage in the sugar-fueled, tooth rotting orgy that is Halloween. We in New Zealand do not celebrate this holiday further than putting a white sheet over our heads and walking around in circles saying boo, but it is always fun to watch Americans on television going through the rites of All Hallows Eve on various sitcoms.

Then we Remember, Remember the 5th of November - Guy Fawkes Day. An opportunity for the masses who have been neutered by their diets of lattes and cappucinos, to reaffirm their manhood by exploding large quantities of magnesium and scare the living shit out of their pets.

November is also the month where parents celebrate the 9 month aniversary of their Valentines Day accident (think about it, November is 9 months after Valentines Day - meaning November babies were conceived around Valentines....eww for romantic parents). I myself will be celebrating my 19th glorious year on Earth, along with a number of my friends (including Matt W, who is no doubt still waiting for me to get him his present from last year). My birthday is the second result when you type in "November" in Google.

November in New Zealand is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month in New Zealand. Figures show that 1 in 3 men will be affected by some degree of Prostate Cancer, I have a vested interest in helping fund research into cures for this disease as I very much do not want to be "pissing razors" when I grow older. In New Zealand it is tradition (going back to the winter of 06') to grow a mustache and other forms of facial hair, to show solidarity for Prostate Cancer sufferers, in the month of November (hence November is colloquially referred to as MOvember).

I plan to participate whole heartedly this year, by allowing my face to be overun by manly strands of manosity. I implore all my readers, (even the females), to grow their own facial hair to support the cause. If you do not believe in Prostate Cancer, then perhaps you should grow it for your own benefit.

I hope to see everyone wearing their best facial foliage this coming month of Movember.

Have you got epic facial hair? Leave a link to a picture of you in your best face sweater.

I was just on a blog which had an article on how to maintain a sucessful blog, and the first tip it gave hopeful bloggers was: "Update content regularly". Ofcourse as soon as I read this I thought: "Oh shit, MY BLOG", at which point I raced over to my Blogger and began writing this update of the going ons in the life of a Psychology and Biology student at the University of Auckland (the rest of this speech is in one of the sidebars --->)

Firstly my female fans shall be saddened to hear that I now have the number of the girl formerly known as Jenny. I handed her a teddy bear and a letter professing my deep crush on her, during a BioSci 103 lecture.

It went a little something like this:

lecture theatre floor.

Its now been a week and some time since I first discovered my love of making pictures out of PURE GRAPHITE. Many charcoaled stained fingers and shirts later I've come up with a few more pictures to add to my week long obsession:

Name: Adam Francis Graham Hand
Age: 19....20???? (Hes really old thats all I know)
Relation to Simmy: Huggle Buddies (Its a manly term for two manly men who hug in a manly MANner...beer, boobs, cars....Manly)
Occupation: Lives off my taxes as he receives Student Allowance and doesn't work (BASTARD)/ Student
Marital Status: Single (thats right ladies, this hunk of Adam is ready for the picking)
Music: Metal, Metal, MORE METAL
Movies: Matrix: Trilogy (Yes, he liks numbers two AND three aswell...freak), and METAL music videos
Religion: Christianity/ Metal
Turn Ons: Listening to metal music in church, women with a love of god, women with a love of metal, women who can quote metal, women who can quote scripture.
Turn Offs: Hip-hop, women who like hip-hop, emos, all races (including his own), himself (self-esteem issues?)

Do you have any religious views of your own? Diest, Agnostic, Athiest? Or did you just find this comic to be extremely offensive, and would like to start a riot outside my office? Leave a comment, and we'll talk God.

P.S Do you have any requests for historical figures, real or fictional (I'll let you decide which one Jesus was) that you would like Sim to bring to the present with his time machine? I'll be happy to oblige, extra points for famous cannibals.

Hey guys,

I've checked out my blog on Internet Explorer from university, and the site looks weird and out of place. So I'm going to be looking for a new template to fix the situation (I wouldn't need to if IE wasn't such a wankfest, and people just used Firefox). The blog is gonna be template-fucked for a while, return soon though or I'll cry.

Yours in mutual hate of Microsoft,
Simmy

UPDATE: 9:11pm 13 Oct - Ok, I've decided to stick with this one. I like the light colors and easy breasyness of it. Tell me what you guys think? Any glitches? Any improvements? And to all you dirty Internet Explorer users out there, GET FIREFOX!

In 24 days time the citizens and voting illegal-aliens of America will elect to office the person who will lead them, and the rest of the world through the next four years.There are three candidates who each have a good shot at becoming the President of the United States of America. Barrack Obama, John McCain, and Sarah Palin.

You might be thinking: "Simmy, Sarah Palin ain't running for President, John McCain is". Thats true enough but let me take you through some MATHS.

He is running on fumes and living on borrowed time my friends, and when he dies from over excitement or finally succumbs to his face cancer- Sarah Palin becomes the first hockey mom to rule the free world , dont'cha know?

Watching Sarah Palin talk, with those lucious lips of hers, at the Republican convention, in various interviews, and in the Vice Presidential debates, I was left thinking these three things:

1) Sarah Palin has the most annoying voice ever given a microphone. She would have to be the successful result of an experiment in trying to cross breed a chalk-board with a dying cat.

2) She is dumber than a pile of sticks, except where the pile of sticks have the potential of becoming a bright flame - she has the potential of fucking up even more.

When asked by Katie Couric "Have you ever been involved in any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?", Palin's reply was:

"We have trade missions back and forth, we do. It’s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia. As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state."

Does she really think that Vladimr Putin is some sort of evil boogie man that sneaks across the Alaskan border to steal ...caribou for his evil army of Communists or something?!?! This guy is Time Magazine's Man of the Year 2007, hes not stupid enough to take Russia down that path again when they are just starting to recover their superpower position. But I forget, you don't read.

3) John McCain was obviously trying to pick up disenfranchised female Clinton supporters by picking a woman, but it kind of backfired when he insulted their intelligence by picking the least qualified Republican female he could.

The men on the other hand, love Palin. One thing that shes got going for her is that shes pretty hot, like librarian hot, and as we all know thats the hottest kind of hot that you can find. Shes pretty darn yum for a mum. Shes definately a HMILF: a Hockey Mom I'd Like to Fornicate.

I'm not saying a woman cannot be the leader of the country which directly/indirectly controls the world. I'd happily bow down to the mights of such political Amazons as Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi or Martha Stewart. I'd just prefer that the person who had control of 1/3 of the worlds nuclear arsenal did not think that they could see Russia from their house or that man and dinosaurs existed at the same time when the world was created some 6000 years ago.


The whole idea that she can (and definately will if John McCain gets elected) be president scares the hell out of me, it also scares the living bejeesus out of one of my favorite actors, Matt Damon.

"You do the actuary* tables, you know, there's a one out of three chance, if not more, that McCain doesn't survive his first term, and it'll be President Palin. And it really, you know, was talking about it earlier, it's like a really bad Disney movie. You know, the hockey mom, you know, "I'm just a hockey mom from Alaska," and she's the president. And it's like she's facing down Vladimir Putin and you know, using the folksy stuff she learned at the hockey rink, you know, it's just absurd. It's totally absurd, and I don't understand why more people aren't talking about how absurd it is."

 *an actuary works for insurance companies to find the statistics on how long a person will live, to see whether they are worth insuring . <--- An example of me targetting the lowest common denominator.
  
After the interview he reitterated that he was indeed Matt Damon by saying: "[stupidly] Mmmaaattt Dammmmmooonnnn"

 

My Friday afternoons truly begin just after I finish a biology lab - BioSci 106 or BioSci 103, alternating each week. This means that I am usually either feeling on top of the world for having conquered yet another experiment, or am completely rock bottom and smelling of fish insides. Depending on which end of the spectrum I'm in, I  buy a new book  to either celebrate or commiserate.

I tend to buy my books from second hand bookstores because I've always imagined that the books there are like the older children in orphanages who never get adopted because they aren't as cute as the younger kids (I'm far too sympathetic towards inanimate objects). I don't usually get the urge to buy books while I'm still in town, it most often kicks in when I'm on the train home and I stop by Grey Lynn or Ponsonby to get my fix. But today I got the shakes for a new old book way before I planned on leaving town, so I went about getting myself some book action (seriously, I sound like a super bookworm but thats only because I am). I spent roughly 40 minutes trying to find a second hand bookstore in town, even asking nice elderly folk using my best tourist voice to show me the way, but had no luck.

I eventually gave up and just headed into Whitcoulls, feeling a pang of guilt for the orphan books I would not take back to a loving home. I perused the many sections of Whitcoulls downtown, but nothing jumped out at me saying "Buy me, I'm awesome!" (although, to be honest I would have been very startled if something had). I was up in the stationary section looking for a new sketchbook to draw some SimAntics in, as I'd almost gone through my first one, when I came across a sign that said "PURE GRAPHITE".

Now, I'm not sure whether it was the big bold writing encapsulated in a jagged yellow star or the sense of giant manhoodity the words PURE GRAPHITE exuded, but I decided to buy two. After I had made the purchase, and almost left the store, I decided to come back to the cashier and ask him: "Ummm...what is a pure graphite?"

It turns out pure graphite sticks are hunks of lead (an unfortunate piece of naming, as it is actually made of Carbon [C] not Lead [Pb]) so big they don't need a wooden sheath like ordinary pencils. Apparantly, artists prefer using these as they allow a variety of shading and applications when sketching.
I'm not an artist, I tend to leave the art making to professionals, but I really enjoyed sketching this image of a woman reclining on the ground and her lips, using my new graphites.


My model was some woman in Albert Park, she wasn't naked at the time, but it was just much easier (and far more fun) to draw her naked than with clothes on (if you are that woman, I apologise and promise never to imagine you naked again).

It was kind of scary how easy it was to disrobe the woman, and then sketch her. Perhaps this is somehow my hidden superpower....not exactly the worst power in the world, I just wish it was a little less pervy. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

Give me feedback on what you think of my new power, especially if you are good at art and have tips.

Its ROCKTOBER *devil horns*, the one month in the year where avid rockers and groupies alike attempt to enlighten themselves and others in the way of rock by rocking out to the max.

This isn't the Sixties, where rocking out came hand in hand with bare-breasted hippy girls named Moonflower. The Noughties have been tainted with the poison known as Hip-hop, and rocking out has been made difficult for even the most die-hard of headbangers.

I have searched through my many fan letters to find questions posed by my loyal viewers, asking for advice on how to rock out this Rocktober *devil horns*. The following is a compilation of those questions, and a guide to rocking out which has been scientifically proven to improve rocking out by 20% and decrease signs of poserism in two weeks.


Who can rock out?

You are never to young to start rocking out and you are never too old to keep rocking.
 

Bands like the Rolling Stones have been rocking out since your parents were young enough to be hip, yet even today they manage to draw in crowds which pack entire stadiums, arenas, and (in the case of Brazil) beaches. Their music is as popular today, as it was those dark years before the advent of internet.

It also doesn't matter what race you are or what God you foolishly worship, because unlike some inferior versions the holy spirit of rock accepts all cultures (except those blasphemous Hip-hop ones).


How do I look like a rocker?

Its not enough just to have the rocking spirit inside you to rock out, one must be fully kitted out with the rock look and rock accessories to rock out to the max during ROCKTOBER *devil horns*.

1) Aquire a bandshirt, the more awesome the band the more awesome your rocking out will be.


A good band shirt is the easiest way to infuse yourself with rockitude. My American Indian forefathers, the Mohicans, would wear band-shirts to infuse themselves with the the spirit of their favorite bands before heading off into battle. This is why the Mohicans were such revered warriors, until the white man came across the sea, he brought us pain and misery.

2) Aquire a rock do, the crazier the hair the crazier your rocking out will be.



 This isn't as hard as it seems, because the formulae for a rocking hairstyle is quite simple. Contrary to popular belief, there are only THREE different styles of rocking hair - and to get the myriad of numbers of styles we see our modern rock heroes adorning, we need only mix and match these three Primary Rock Hairstyles.

3) Aquire a sleeve, the more epic the tattoos the more epic your rocking out will be.


Pink = Unacceptable
Skulls are encouraged.

I look like an awesome rocker, but I just can't seem to get my rock up. Help me Simmy.


Firstly make sure you are making your devil horns properly. You don't want to be rocking out all over the place only to find out next month that you were doing it wrong infront of all your friends.




.





So what are you waiting for you rock-starved mosh-monkies, get out there and get rocking this ROCKTOBER *devil horns*.

To encourage rocking out during this holy month, I shall immortalize to any reader who leaves a comment with a link to a picture or video which shows them rocking out, by making a comic with them in it. At the end of the month if there are any I shall put them in a post, and link whore them. DOO IT!

I.Q tests were developed during the 1920s by French psychologists in an attempt to categorize French children into different groups of intelligence. The French I.Q test for children was taken and then bettered by American psychologists, who then produced a method of I.Q testing which most people are familiar with today - a version which has been described as one of the most influential scientific inventions of this century (trust the Americans to take the credit).

How the scoring works is that the participant's number of correct answers is compared to the average expected score of someone their age, this score is then multiplied by 100 which is only don to make the number prettier and more rounded. For instance:

participants score = 10
expected score = 10


ps10 / es10 = 1          

1 x 100 = 100 , thus the participant has an I.Q of 100.

This I.Q of 100 is also the statistical average I.Q of the human population, and most people tend to lie between 90 - 110. I myself have an I.Q of 132 (as of 2005, but I have lost many a braincells since then). Frankly I think using and I.Q test to measure one's intelligence is stupid and completely inaccurate (as seen by my result) as there are many different types of intelligence most of which aren't tested under traditional I.Q tests.

Bodily-Kinesthetic

This area has to do with movement and doing. People are generally good at physical activities such as sports or dance and often prefer activities which use movement.

Interpersonal

This area has to do with interaction with others. People in this category are usually extroverts and are characterized by their sensitivity to others' moods, feelings, temperaments and motivations, and their ability to cooperate in order to work as part of a group.

Verbal-Linguistic

Verbal-linguistic intelligence has to do with words, spoken or written. People with verbal-linguistic intelligence display a facility with words and languages.

Logical-Mathematical

This area has to do with logic, abstractions, inductive and deductive reasoning, and numbers.

Naturalistic

This area has to do with nature, nurturing and relating information to one's natural surroundings. This is the eighth and newest of the intelligences, added to the theory in 1999.

Intrapersonal

This area has to do with introspective and self-reflective capacities. Those who are strongest in this intelligence are typically introverts and prefer to work alone.

Visual-Spatial

This area has to do with vision and spatial judgment. People with strong visual-spatial intelligence are typically very good at visualizing and mentally manipulating objects.

Musical

This area has to do with rhythm, music, and hearing. Those who have a high level of musical-rhythmic intelligence display greater sensitivity to sounds, rhythms, tones, and music.


 
There is also suggestion of an emotional intelligence, but this seems to be contrite effort to be P.C and provide a way for every dumbass to feel that they are intelligent in one way or another. Lets just stick to the most reliable source of intelligence measurement : NCEA.

Disclaimer: Any resemblence the following comisode has to any George Lucas or Steven Spielberg projects, past or present, is purely coincidental. Viewers should be warned that by viewing this comisode, they waver all rights to sue on intellectual property rights.

The Quest to Resurrect Adam H's Character

Part Duex : Le Finale Crusade

This epic took so many hours which could have been spent more wisely socializing, economizing, or academizing. I promise my fan(s) that I will never attempt an epic ever again, truly this is my Last Crusade.

After reading my post Superpowers not Melamine!, my good friend Adam H felt a little bit saddened by the fact that his character had been killed off. I tried to explain to him that cartoons running as many years as Simantics require a change in characters and the status quo, or else they reach a point where they 'jump the shark'. His death was the Maude Flanders of our generation, I thought he should have felt proud. Adam H did not see it this way. He spent a very crucial BioSci 103 lecture distracting me with various sad faces and pouts until I caved and promised him that I would resurrect his character. Indeed, I am far too kind on him.

Now I'm not Jesus, and resurrections aren't my area of expertise so its going to take at least 2 episodes for me to bring Adam H back to life.


You heard the image, TO BE CONTINUED......

I somehow managed to ignore my cellphone's persistent alarm clock until 9am this morning. Obviously karma had been tampering with my phone again. This meant that I missed BioSci 106 and would miss BioSci 103. My only other lecture for the day was Phys107 and due to reasons mentioned in an earlier post, I was very much unwilling to make the 40 minute train ride into town for that. Instead I decided to spend the day at a local park flying kites and reading a book (The World Without Us by Alan Weisman, my loyal fan(s) must remind me to do a review on this some day).

Once I arrived at the park I unwound my stunt kite which I had lovingly named Arty (short for artificial bird analogue) and released him into his natural habitat. Defying my will to have him floating timidly in the air, Arty dove and swooped in rebellion like some sort of fluorescent rainbow colored bird of prey. Eventually I mastered the spool of string attached to his underbelly, and Arty was thus tamed.

Satisfied with my glorious battle with the inanimate child's toy, I took him down and sat down with the intent of reading my book. I opened to the book to the latest dog ear, when I noticed HER.

I'v never mentioned HER before on this blog, because I haven't seen HER since I've started posting here. Also I have no idea what HER name is (but I like to think that she looks like a Jenny), and was hoping to at least know that before I wrote about HER.

My momma always told me: "Girls are evil! Stay away from those evil creatures, you hear me boy!". She always told me to carry garlic on me to ward off their sinful ways, but I think she was starting to confuse girls for werewolves (or maybe she believed that they were the same thing?). She once had a nice chap down at the university do some research to prove that girls are evil.

Now, I know girls are completely evil and that I shouldn't have anything to do with them unless I want "my soul eaten out off of the bloody corpse that was once my body",but this girl is SPECIAL.



I usually see her during my Psych 108 lectures sitting by herself, but looking completely content with life. Sometimes, I look over and shes laughing at the same lame jokes that the lecturer makes, as me. She even freaks me out a little (in a completely good way) by wearing a bow some days. She seems intelligent, which is observable from the way she looks like shes in her own world when the lecture starts to plateau. But most importantly of all: shes SUPER FLIPPIN' HOT!
I assumed that she was some sort of super classy rich girl from out East or over the North Shore, so it came to me as a shock that she was in the same deserted park in West Auckland as I was. She was playing with her dog (a beast not a purse ornament) next to a playground  and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to wander over and introduce myself. I've tried to talk to her before, but things always seemed to come between us...
So I start heading over, and I get my smooth walk going. I can completely imagine myself looking like one of the cast from Westside Story, but in my frame of mind this was the only way to walk over to a chick as classy as 'Jenny'. She catches my eye from across the park and smiles (or it could have been a grimace, I was too far away to tell ). So I'm walking and I'm walking when this man in a track suit starts walking over to her. I continue walking hoping the man is just taking a coincidentally identical trajectory on his morning old people walk, when he stops and gives Jenny a hug. Of course at this point I'm 5 metres from her, staring directly at her so I did what seemed most logical : leap into the nearest bush.

I stayed in that bush for five minutes before Jenny and old man pal left, which gave me time to think. I had a couple of theories as to who the old man was:

1) Her daddy
2) Her sugar daddy

I was hoping that it wasn't number 2, as that would completely force me to reconsider my image of Jenny.I was also hoping that nobody had stolen my book which I left on the grass, as I hadn't found out what would happen to the the nuclear powerplants if there were no humans left alive on earth.

I packed my kite into my trunk, then drove off home. I must admit, I was disheartened by the days defeat. But I am not a man to quit when karma kicks me in the balls, because I solely attribute this day to karma. Bernie, Adam H and I have all had our running ins with karma of late - muggings, beatings, car thieverings, girl dumpitings - so it just goes to reason that karma hasn't finished teasing us. I guess I'll have to make up for some past sins, before I can woo my Jenny.

Help me make up for past sins by giving me ideas to even up my karma. I've already tried joining St. John's, but they won't let me. I'm applying to be a volunteer firefighter, so hopefully that'll help, but I need something to keep me safe from karma until I'm finished my training and start saving people from fires.