Pirates have captured a Ukranian ship carrying tanks and are threatening to use them.


The Ukranian ship Faina was innocently delivering a cargo of 33 tanks to an unstable dictatorship in Africa when it was boarded by pirates off the coast of Somalia.

Russian officials have condemned this act of privateering, and insist that they will not negotiate with the pirates.

 New Zealand's Ambassador to African Nations, Tom Worthing, expressed concern that this kind of pirate action could be used to fuel terrorism, or even help the pirates adapt to a life of plundering on land.

"We are concerned that if their demands are not met the pirates will move from the ocean, and adapt to a life of crime on the land using the tanks. In which case, may God have mercy on our souls"

The pirates are demanding a ransom for the return of the ship and its cargo.

"Yarr, now listen up you land lubbin', potato drinking sea hag Russians, if ye don't deliver us 47,000 dubloons and 600,000 pieces of eight ($5 million USD) by the end of this moon, you'll regret it. Arrgh!" said a spokesman for the Pirate's Union of Africa.

American Foriegn Affairs Department released a statement in which they have  added the African pirates to their terrorist watchlist.

"You are now on the world's most feared list, your days are numbered." said Secratary of State Condoleezza Rice, "America will come and take care of this threat to our future naval interests, once we've saved up enough money to fly our troops economy-class to Africa."

-By Sim's Associated Press (SAP)

How is it that I manage to fall asleep in a lecture where the topic is the infinite cosmos, with its turbulent suns, isolated planetoids, and rapturous novaes? Its a question I have come to ask myself quite often after signing up for Physics 107: Stars, Planets and Galaxies this semester.

At first I blamed my boredom on some mysterious device of evil, lurking deep within shadowy underbelly of the Old Biology Building.

Its purpose: to make sure Biology students find all other subjects boring and unbearable, as a way to retain the otherwise notoriously wayward Biology Majors locked into Biology papers.

This theory was soon disproved one night last week, when I took a torch and explored all the nooks and various crannies of the OBB catacombs. I discovered nothing of interest, least of all a device of pure evil,  however I did rescue a high school field trip class who got lost there in 1997.


The real reason for the boredom is quite simple, and is actually quite common in other kick-arse papers. It all comes down to the lecturer.

A lecturer is much more than just a vessel to store knowledge in, and then pour into the cups of those students who are willing to pay exorbatitant fees of tertiary education.They are figureheads of their subjects, they represent everything the subject has to offer, its many possibilities and unknowns. And in being a figurehead of an entire subject for 300 or so young impressionable minds, they have a responsibility to encourage intrigue and interest within their students.

Unfortunately, nothing kills the love of a subject more than a monotonous voice which recites word for word what is written in a textbook or lecture slide.This is what our lecturer does during Phys 107, and it pains me to see the flames of intrigue of space being extinguished on a daily basis within the hearts of my fellow students.


As I mentioned above, all his lecture material is taken straight out of his slides and book. Now this is a common practice amongst many lecturers, but they risk becoming redundant if they don't bring something to table which is more than just pouring us facts. What point is a man reading word for word out of a book, an act most primary school graduates can acomplish?


I remember going along to a Philosophy lecture with a friend of mine once. The blind lecturer, along with his 6 postgrad assistants rolled down the theatre in various clown costumes and began lecturing off his slides using the different clown characters in the examples of arguments on the screen. The lecture had me captivated for the full hour, and afterwards I was quite versed in how to pose an argument (and to do it with a silly clown voice no less) even though it wasn't an area which ever held interest for me.
 
I don't expect every lecturer to take to wearing costumes or other gimicks of this level to ignite the interests of their students, but small steps like adding some tone to the monotony and lecturing 'on the fly' could keep the flames of scholarly passion alive in the student body.

Luckily for me it would take a force of massive proportions (perhaps a very very very pretty girl) to steal my love of space away from me. So, until my lecturer learns to 'be a clown', I'm just going to learn about Stars, Planets and Galaxies the old fashion way -  with a telescope.

You guy(s) ever had a cool class or paper butchered by a teacher/ lecturer? Or on the other end of the scale, a teacher or lecturer who helped you fall in love with a subject? Give me a buzz.

Check out Google Chrome: http://www.google.com/chrome

Its been two weeks since I sat that satanic piece of examination known as the BioSci 106 Mid Semester Test. This test was evil and it obviously had it in for me from the get go (yes, I am anthropomorphising a piece of paper! shh). I spent the weeks after sitting the test stressed about what the outcomes could be, a fail being on the top of the list. I just got my result back, and it wasn't half bad. Really, I gave myself an ulcer for nothing.

I've got another set of exams coming up, and this time around I am prepared not to be stressed. I'm going to try and stick to a plan which comes in 7 steps, and I've written them down for the benefit of any netizens reading this blog who also happen to be stressed students losing hair over exams:

1) Study, Study, Chillax
The first thing I recommend is that you study for your exam. The more revised you are on the topics, the less you will stress about not knowing enough. Start at least 2 weeks before the exam, and give yourself at least 1 hour and 20 minutes each week night and 3 hours on a weekend to study.

Studies show that the average human maintains optimum attention for only 40 minutes. This means you should be studying in 40 minute blocks, with breaks in between.

2) Brainstorm with friends.
Before the exam go to a park with your friends, sit in a circle (the shape isn't actually crucial) , and discuss areas you are having difficulties with. Bounce questions off each others heads, and I bet you that the areas where you were drawing blanks a friend will be able to help fill.

Brainstorming with friends is also a great way to add a friendly spin to what is usually a daunting task: studying.

3)Catch some zZZs
Sleep well two nights before your exam, and the night before your exam. Its a little known fact that your energy levels are highly effected by the sleep you received from two nights before. Its also a good idea not to go out to town and get on the piss the night before. Contrary to popular belief, attempting an exam hungover doesn't help you.


Getting good amounts of sleep will also lower the likely hood of getting colon cancer, and just knowing that is bound to lower your stress levels.

4) If studying fails, guess!
The only way I could have passed my 106 test was with pure awesomeness in the form of great educated guesses. If you come to a question you don't know take a note from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle: When all other possibilities are eliminated, the answer is what you are left with. Look at all the possible answers to a multiple choice question, remove the answers which are silly, then the ones which are unlikely, then make a toss up between what ever is left. Elementary my dear reader.

Don't get into thinking that there are patterns in the answer keys....
...The probability of a computer randomising the answer keys into a smiley face is almost non-existent (although I swear I've had a Psychology exam key in the shape of a boat).



5) Don't fire blanks.
There is a reason that you are advised not to leave blanks in your tests, because it screws you up. The examiner will look over your exam script and see how many blanks you have left and from this (no matter how unfairly) they will place a bias on the rest of your marking. In an examiner's mind the more blanks you leave the less study and effort you put in, so they will be less likely to show you leniency on the marks that they would otherwise be leaning towards giving to you.

Also very few exams mark you down for wrong answer, so chucking in a key word or two can't harm you. In my BioSci 106 exam when ever a blank came up I would consult a pre-determined list of key words and chuck it in the blank space for safety (ATP and NADH are my favorites).

6) The exam is over when time is up.
After every exam there will be people who find their friends, and demand to go over answers with them. For these people I would like to remind them this: When the exam is over its over- there is no point in going over the exam. Unless you have a time machine in your garage you can't go back in time and change your answers.

Also it just adds to the already stressful life you have as a student. Your friend Timmy will tell you that he Q3 he got (A) for , and you will shit yourself because you got (E) . Most likely Timmy is stupid (statistically speaking Timmys aren't very bright), so basing your predicted results on his would make you stupid.

7) Reward yourself.
You have survived yet another exams without suffering a heart attack, this feat alone deserves a reward. Do what ever it is you do for fun, and savour it because you might need to draw on the memory of this good moment when you are about to open your exam results in a few weeks time.

There they are in their listy glory, 7 ways to beat exam stress. Hopefully I'll take my own advice with the upcoming exams, because frankly I don't want to lose my luscious head of hair over them.

Yo ho ho mateys, tis September 19th which means ONE thing....its time for dickheads to dress up as pirates and conform to yet another internet meme. To my Pastafarian fans, who celebrate this as an actual religious holiday, I wish you a happy holiday and many RAmens. Now walk the plank...you...scurvy.....Johnny Depp...land lubbing.....sea dog?....etc.

The thing with Auckland Public transport is that its not reliable for much other than being unreliable. The busses break down frequently, the trains break down at least once a week. Then there are the system and point failures which leave me feeling completely time-raped.

For me there aren't many alternative forms of transport, but I have compiled a list of very alternative alternative modes of transport to help get people into town reliably.

Chocobos


Go to your local vegetable store or items shop, and grab some gysahl green. Find the closest field and wave the gysahl greens around and hey presto, you have yourself a chocobo. Chocobos are great modes of transport, they are fast, fuel efficient and everyone looks good riding on one. The only real drawback is that if you get off them they tend to dissapear on you.

Piggyback

Craccum is the University of Auckland's common room circular. It used to be a great, well written, and entertaining magazine to read - but through the neglect of editors and staff it has become a rag. Pages once covered in well written pieces of satire and insight have been replaced with penis jokes and lame comics to pad the empty spaces. The covers, whilst not so important in terms of content as it is for aesthetics, have gone from pieces of art to pieces of shit.